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Sicklinghall CC Vs Shadwell CC
"‘Hall Hamstrung by Shadwell"
Oh dear, it’s starting to look seriously worrying at the bottom of Div 1 as ‘Hall
came away from Shadwell on Saturday with just one point. Were it not for Deighton’s
efforts to keep it entertaining by getting beat every week as well, some of the
boys might already be typing the words Kirk and Hammerton into their GPS’s.
You can’t fault the boys for effort though as high flying Shadwell, victims of a
dastardly smear campaign against their amateur West Indian star – I mean, what evidence
does telling the West Indian press that you get paid constitute?, were taken to
the wire by a bunch of one legged ageing cripples.
Stevie the Fish was back at the reigns for this game, hoping that his horse might
not only face the right way down the course this week, but may actually leave the
stalls as well. Sadly Birdy and his cattle prod were absent though. The toss duly
lost ‘Hall were sent into bat on a good looking track, Jamie just about arriving
in time to open the innings, having had to wait for his dad who was sat on the bog
checking his share prices in the Times Saturday supplement.
Despite being fit to bowl, the giant West Indian was held back for later in the
innings. Am-at-eur loss as to why that was as he’s clearly the main man, even off
5 paces. The innings got off to a steady start with Boydy and Jamie going along
ok Shadwell had clearly adopted the tradition
of most other teams in the league as each member of the team appealed for lbw after
each ball (even the ones that hit the bat). This display of shoddy sportsmanship
proved nothing other than the fact that they had been starved of education in their
youth as to the rules of the game! With appeal after appeal, the numbers game had
to come into play as Jamie was given out after being hit outside the line (and playing
a shot).
Opper and Boydy carried on amidst the childish oafishness of Shadwell's illiterate
'back street' cricketers. Both batsmen looked very good indeed after their excellent
performances in the previous week. The introduction of the illegally acquired (through
methods of payment), Hercules got the breakthrough as a stunning catch at slip was
taken to dismiss Opper. Boydy followed soon after hurling abuse at the living and
after cursing his fellow team mates for being dreadful, announced his retirement
from the game. Steve fisher was the next man to go. Another dodgy LBW decision as
Sicklinghall's most consistent run scorer departed to leave the two most physically
challenged men in the team at the crease.
Rast and Sid decided to occupy the crease for a while. Mainly because the long walk
back to the pavillion seemed an unnatractive option for their tired and damaged
joints. Both players managed to almost run one another out until they remembered
the oath that they had taken about never running whist batting, fielding or bowling.
This option proved successful as both men began to dispatch the mouthy, arrogant
and talentless bowlers of Shadwell's juvenile attack. The score raced past 100 and
the professional had to be taken off. Surely a reduction in hourly rate was in order!
The excitement of seeing the new bowler was too much for Sidd as he attempted to
launch one down the ground only to miss and get stumped. Andy was out LBW after
a responsible effort and PJ, Rob and Pecker played fantastic cameo's at the end
to take hall’ to a respectable 165.
The teas were devoured and Hall made their way to defend the set score. The first
over saw a catch go down and with that the signs were ominous. Shadwell began to
pile on runs until heavy rain disrupted play for an hour. This interval was used
to best effect as the boys spent an hour trying to hit one another in the balls
with a cricket ball. Pecker even tried to tear away Rast's crown jewels via the
use of a long broom handle.
Eventually the players returned to witness a change of conditions more suited to
the bowlers. David Boyd made full use of the conditions and bowled a yard quicker
than normal and with hostile aggression, silenced the barking of the Shadwell opener.
Hercules made his way to the crease, fully intent on scoring some runs and taking
home a hefty wage packet but Boydy had other ideas as a fast in cutter destroyed
the off stump. A golden duck for the pro. The Shadwell treasurer was seen tearing
up his cheque book in anger and screaming "We should have got an Aussie!!!!"
Shadwell were in trouble, but the batsmen managed to stay in a rotate the strike
regularly. Rob bowled well and Rast tried his best. Pecker was close to obtaining
a wicket as a chance came over the top of mid off but Sidd who valiantly ran to
catch it was the victim of a super athlete’s worst nightmare, A major hamstring
injury. The paramedics came running on and the players screamed in panic stricken
shock. Sidd, however just leaped back up and ordered the players to get on with
the job. Perhaps the only brave soul left in this ageing cluster of childish men.
Sidd's new walk amused the spectators but not quite as much as seeing Boydy keel
over with the second hamstring eruption of the day as he limped off the field (perhaps
for the last time). Wickets did come but so did the runs and Shadwell reached home
with two wickets to spare.
A Major problem for Hall now and with some key players away next week, Andy Wood
had better find some form from somewhere. Its time to start giving it a hundred
percent on the field. It’s a fight for survival!
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Sicklinghall CC Vs Wetherby CC
"A Cow of a day for 'Hall"
It was billed as the battle of the basement!.......the war of the woeful!....the
fight of the the forlorn! Sadly after Saturday there is only one forlorn side and
only one in the basement
The lead up to such a big game had proved difficult as Rast arrived to cut the outfield
on Tuesday and was met with a scene of utter devastation, with huge steaming heaps
of sh*t all over the ground. (Obvious next line temptation averted!) There were
also 3 inch deep ruts everywhere as Johnny’s cows which had made it onto the ground
on Monday morning had obviously enjoyed some kind of “faeces rave” on the outfield.
It looked like
Glastonbury
! There was only one thing to do as Rast mounted the ride on mower …. Go scrambling!!
It proved a humbling experience (and one where if there was any justice in the world
Rast would have helped himself to 200 not out come Saturday), but thankfully by
the morning of the game it was resembling a cricket ground again. Boydy turned up
to do some forking and left with blisters all over his pinkies that may prove critical
later on.
And so to the game where ‘Opper won the toss and elected to field, the wicket still
slightly damp from a Thursday night deluge. It proved a masterstroke as his weakened
side (Sidd was in
London
having a thumbprint tattooed to his head) took 3 early wickets to leave Wetherby
at 45 for 3. Two of his countrymen were now at the crease and showed scant respect
for the ‘Hall attack as they flayed it to all parts. That’ll teach the ‘Hall sledgers
to tell them that they’re under pressure. By the time the smaller of the two was
out he had carted about 110 runs in 25 overs and some serious damage was done. He
re-appeared 5 minutes later with a prayer mat and went off to do his stuff. At least
3 ‘Hall players thought about asking if they could borrow it at half time and have
a go as well! His slightly more sedate mate was finally out for about 80 and some
late hitting saw Wetherby up to a seriously challenging 248-7.
Any sad faces in the home team soon lit up though as Mr D Bird’s teas were wheeled
out, revealing such treats as Scottish salmon and a multitude of bright and beautiful
cakes. Who cares about cricket??
Jamie obviously thought the same as he let a straight one go 20 minutes later and
lost not his off peg, but middle peg. He was saved from total humiliation by the
umpire’s “no ball” call, but such was his desire to look like a muppet that he did
it all again 2 overs later. Added to him doing the same at Spoff last week, who
SAYS we don’t learn from our mistakes? Rast came in at 3 and took about that many
hours to get off the mark, despite the rather large target. Thankfully Boydy was
going like a train at the other end, his bubbling hands luckily coping at this stage
thanks to the powers of elastoplast and boundaries. Rast went for 25, gifting a
catch to square leg, but it proved a blessing in disguise as ‘Opper came in and
finally found some form, sharing a potentially match winning partnership with Boydy.
Sadly, “potentially” was the key word as ‘Opper was needlessly run out with the
winning post all but in sight. It was always going to be tough on anyone coming
in, needing to score quickly from the off and so it proved for George, Birdy, PJ,
Pecker and Trotty especially when Boydy finally departed for a superb 93, for which
he was rewarded with a bottle of fairy liquid. It was left to Rob and Malc to ensure
that Wetherby didn’t get the final point as the boys finished on 212-9
Luckily Sidd is back next week, so at least there’ll be someone to shout at!
------------------------------------------------
Sicklinghall CC Vs Spofforth CC
"Hall left in the dark"
9.15pm
A quarter past 9
21:15 hours
Whichever way you dress it, by the time Jimbob hit the winning runs on Saturday
(or was it Sunday?) it was bloody dark! …… the only light left was that coming from
the flames of the barbecue where Giddy was busy burning the sausages.
The marathon had all started 8 hours earlier when the boys turned up to find Spoff
busy forking about on the square. Unbelievably given swamp conditions in the area
it was fit for a 1.30 start and ‘Opper (covering for Stevie the Fish, who was swamping
about at the coast somewhere) promptly lost what seemed like a key toss. Unsurprisingly
Spoff elected to field and Jamie soon ensured that his wages weren’t docked by shouldering
arms to a straight one and making the lonely walk back.
Rast was next in, not that he knew it as ‘Opper had to fetch him his bat as he was
strolling round the outfield. Expectations weren’t high but were it not for being
unluckily run out backing up, he might still be there now….. on about 15 not out!
‘Opper and Boydy batted well though and a brutal over of hitting from Pecker nearly
saw Giddy blown out of the attack. The best batting though came from PJ and George
who both looked a million dollars, seeing us up to 185. The last 6 overs were bowled
after a 2 hour delay which saw boredom levels and water levels rise at great speed.
‘Hall players wasted time by playing with their balls …… mainly on the slip cradle.
When play did resume ……. PJ and George scored runs at will, taking the score up
from 117 ….. proof if ‘twere needed that bowling was no longer easy. Spoff didn’t
care though, they just wanted to be out batting asap!
So at 7 o’clock the openers made their way out to face a pretty depleted ‘Hall attack
and with Boydy and Rast both slipping about scoring came freely, especially off
the overweight former skipper. George and Matthew both had a go and slowed the scoring
down and though there were plenty of edges and miscues and of course thee traditional
dropped catches, wickets proved hard to come by. Eventually 2 did come, though by
then it was much too late …… a bit like in general where players had to cancel their
plans for the evening in order to accommodate the Spoff run chase.
Victory came with just 2 overs left and when the silhouette of Jimbob notched the
winning runs and celebrated with a pinta off the milkman who had just arrived on
his round, and condemned ‘Hall to the dogfight at the bottom and a must win game
on Saturday with Wetherby …….. cowshit permitting!
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Sicklinghall CC Vs St Chads CC
"Winny plays piano in the nude
as hall fall further"
The ale houses of Headingley emptied on Saturday to greet
the arrival of one of the best teams around. Meanwhile, a few hundred yards away
from where
Durham
were doing battle with
Yorkshire
, the woeful SCC were turning up to contemplate their battle with St Chads.
Following a number of dreadful recent performances, Stevie
the Fish had demanded that his troops be at the ground by 12.45, in order to hear
his plans for the rest of the season (and some home truths about how shocking we
are!) Unbelievably the call to arms was met with a positive response, with no fewer
than 8 players meeting the deadline. Jamie and George rolled up 10 minutes late
but were excused after Jamie explained that he had to wait for his mum to do the
shopping. Last to arrive was Pecker who had gone to the trouble to say that he would
be late, even though most had just taken it as a given.
Sadly he missed the “love in” where StF roused the boys
with a magnificent speech about how good we can be, followed by a superb solo rendition
of “Jerusalem”.
Had he been there, classical music buff R Winn would have been proud of the skipper’s
strains. Sadly though he had been unexpectedly called away to play with his organ
at a wedding in Geordieland.
With a further 20 minutes to go to the off the boys were
at a loss for something to do, so went for the radical idea of having a warm up
net. Some even managed the full 20 minutes. Meanwhile StF was losing the toss and
we were asked to all go out together. The skip made the big decision to cast aside
Gus Fraser plod-a-like Rast, replacing him with strike bowler Boydy, whilst putting
himself in the slips as the only person who can catch. Sadly it didn’t go to plan
as he shelled a sitter off Rob after 5 overs. A case of “Do as I say….”. The thought
that this error might be a one off was shot down in flames by a drunken looking
Pecker who managed to let 2 through his legs at 3rd man, before suffering
the shame of being the only man ever to be moved from that position for the terminally
knackered. Still, he was replaced by Jamie so a like for like swap really.
Chads openers had started well, hitting a number of boundaries.
It all changed though when Taff absolutely creamed a straight drive back at Boydy
who stuck out a hand and somehow the ball stuck. It didn’t stick for long though
as he celebrated the wicket by hurling the ball as far and long as he humanly could.
Unfortunately it was aimed right in the direction of the assembled masses who were
forced to scatter for cover as the screaming object whizzed straight at them before
bouncing off the concrete, just in front of the dressing room window and crashing
over the roof and into a huge patch of undergrowth ……. never to be seen again. A
classic moment in the season and one to rival Rob and George’s run out of a few
weeks ago. In hindsight it’s just as well that Boydy’s throwing arm isn’t what it
was, or there could have been an angry lynch mob coming over from Woodies Ale House,
their afternoons tossing it off disturbed by the incoming missile. Unbelievably
Chads went to look for it, while Boydy found the swinging replacement ball much
more to his liking.
Chads ground being as it is though, good balls were still
being lashed to the short boundaries and despite a lot of effort from all the bowlers,
and some sterling fielding from a couple of heavyweights, it wasn’t until Rob came
back and blasted 5 quick wickets that respectability was regained. 223 was the final
score and the boys dived into the spicy treats on show, knowing that it could have
been a whole lot worse.
It soon got
a whole lot worse as Boydy received one from the Man of no words that ran along
the floor and skittled him. His comments suggested that he was less than impressed
with the track. An effigy of the groundsman was later found hanging from his house!
Pecker was carving it around at the other end though, a masterstroke from StF to
open with him (not really, he had to leave early!) And early it soon was as he too
was sent packing soon after and Rast joined Jamie at the crease. College Boy Jamie
was playing well and Rast was just starting to exorcise the demons of his recent
woeful form when he too was the victim of a grubber and had to make his sorry way
back, and for the second time in the game people ran for cover in front of the dressing
rooms.
Stevie the Fish came to the crease and immediately clattered
a 6 to show his intent, the spinner less than impressed at his antics. However just
as it was looking good for the boys Jamie realised that he had got his usual 30
and StF that he had got his usual 40 odd, so both thought they’d better do the decent
thing and get out. George batted well for 25 – the man of no words coming in for
some fearful punishment through the V, but the sorrowful sight of a limping Sidd
– how brave he was to play with his severe foot injury, after spending an entire
day in ill fitting footwear – did nothing to raise hopes. So it proved as he dragged
his pitiful carcass back to the hut after scoring just 4.
Birdy and Rob added late runs to retain some hope, but
when PJ went after forgetting that he’s not
Usain Bolt, it was time for the fat lady to sing ………“Jerusalem” replaced by “Send
in the Clowns”.
Sicklinghall CC Vs Church Fenton CC
"Oh F**K OFF!!"
After the loss at Deighton by a run and the village performance against
Old Mods, the God's finally gave hints of a smile down at the miserable sportsmen
of Sicklinghall. 'Hall were due to face Church Fenton who had not even come close
to competing so far this season. Even Sidd's slashers had destroyed them in the
previous week. It was a guaranteed win with six points in the bag.
Even with R.Winn jibbing out moments before the game (again), there were no jitters
in the camp.
Fenton began with the bat and their openers struggled against the accuracy of Rob
Love and Andy Wood. Plenty of balls went whizzing past the outside edge and the
ones that did take the edge were dropped. The luck was with Fenton. The introduction
of D.Boyd brought a new level of pace to the attack and he immediately found the
outside edge but some waste of space, bone idol fielder spilled it and the runs
kept coming. Boydy looked like a man possessed as he found the edge again only to
see it go down again at gully. A furious D.Boyd just got angrier and taking matters
into his own hand, he began aiming for the stumps. It worked!. Wickets began to
come quickly and with some good support from Pecker at the other end, D.Boyd picked
up an excellent five wicket haul. 'Hall failed to stop the runs coming though and
a moment of madness saw A.Siddiqui's shy at the stumps go ten yards wide and as
he hurtfully walked back to his fielding position after being severely shouted at
by Rob Love & Co, he failed to spot the 100mph throw from D.Boyd who had to
chase the ball and it ended up smacking him on the shoulder and going for another
overthrow. The severe shouting started again other players joined in to verbally
attack the foreigner ("What about my shoulder you heartless BAST**DS!!!"). Siddiqui
fumed and sent out a tirade of insults to the Fenton batsmen for no reason. The
team unity was in chaos as the boys went in at the interval to stuff their faces
with the wonderful teas prepared by Mrs Crooks. The target was 200 and M.Wood started
with J.Crookes.
To cut a long story short, The gentlest of slow medium pace rubbish took care of
M.Wood, S.Fisher, and A.Wood. Some eleven year old kid removed J.Crookes, D.Bird
and R.Love. Siddiqui fell to fitness, Pecker fell to honesty and PJ ran out of partners
as the team ended up 12 runs short of the target.
A Serious problem now as 'Hall find themselves third from bottom. We knew that our
side was capable of beating the best on our day. Now we know that we are also capable
of losing to worst when things go against us.
Its time for us to forget our differences. Its time to unite and play for each other.
Its time to start winning!
Sicklinghall CC Vs Old Modernians CC
"Defeat Leaves 'Hall
to stew (on Pecker's juices)"
Old Mods today stand accused of the worst kind of gamesmanship
after ‘Hall players were faced with intolerable obstacles, just to get to the fixture
on Saturday. It is suspected that money may have changed hands with the Highways
Dept, resulting in Harewood Bridge being closed which in turn caused a 3 mile jam
at Pool Bank, causing no fewer than 4 ‘Hall players to turn up late. Clearly they
needn’t have bothered with this elaborate ruse as most weeks at least 4 turn up
late anyway! It is believed that Mods’ defence will be based around a determination
to keep Pecker away from the communal bath, based on last years experience, where
16 spiders legs, 8 lumps of athletes foot ridden skin and a hitherto attached sheet
of Andrex was discovered floating around in his wake. It is expected that the Disciplinary
Panel will take a lenient view!
With Stevie the Fish being one of the missing 4 it was
left to Rast to toss up, a hark back to his dismal attempts at the helm of this
rudderless ship. With thoughts of last years victory (where Lindsey coolly headed
the last ball for 4) still fresh, and with still only 7 men present he had no hesitation
in electing to bat first. Boydy and the newly arrived (but unprepared) Opper went
out to face the opening salvos from Borrill and one of Mods’ numerous Aussies. (Jeez
that’s more than behind the bar in a
West End
boozer). Opper’s early demise brought Jamie to the crease and 3 elegant boundaries
warned of the onslaught to follow. Unfortunately the onslaught also got stuck in
traffic and Jamie lost his off peg instead. Pitiful efforts followed, most notably
from the ex Captain and some oaf in a green bandana. Thankfully StF was seeing the
ball well (though his failure to hit 3 feet down the leg side wides for 4 was perplexing
…… should have stood still) and creaming regular boundaries and with support from
Boydy and Nikhil the score rocketed to 119 for 7. That was the point where Mystic
Jamie donned his long black wig and predicted that we were “now looking like getting
a good score” and 5 minutes later it was into the bar for half time goodies, the
innings all over at …… 119 all out!
The teas looked magnificent though and Pecker was happy
to risk a quiet time in the field in exchange for a 10kg ‘KFC’ style bucket from
the assorted treats on display. Sadly his risk/reward policy failed as the first
4 boundaries of the Mods reply all went past his gastronomically abused frame, but
only with sufficient pace where he was forced to chase them all the way to the fence.
His newly acquired 18 stone physique wasted away in front of a shocked crowd who
could only watch as he turned a nice shade of green and just avoided taking a right
turn to the town of
Vomitsville
.
Unfortunately no early wickets were taken and with Rast’s
suggestion to try Sidd the Spinner being dismissed on the grounds of insanity, it
was left to Mushtaq Opper to glean any semblance of respectability, with 2 late
wickets with his unique brand of legspin, Mods cantering home at 120 for 2 and with
the little hand not yet on the 5!
Mods’ joy was completed when they were able to enjoy the
communal bath before Pecker could get near it. As punishment for being shite ‘Hall
players were forced to share the bath with him and sit in grim contemplation as
he cheerfully raked his chunks!
Sicklinghall CC Vs Kirk Deighton CC
"If only we had Linford Christie"
After a serious drubbing of Barwick last week, Sicklinghall
found themselves blessed with the return of J.Crooks to give the side their strongest
eleven so far this season. J.Crooks’s preparation match for Sidd’s Slashers in a
16 over slog saw him score 17 from 12 overs. Already the most ‘in form’ man in the
1sts!
Kirk Deighton were the foes this week and with newly acquired
fast Aussie (fastest in the league according to A.Wood but then again, everything
looks quick to him), they were desperately hoping to brush aside their opponents
and collect some valuable points.
Steve Fisher won the toss and elected to field first feeling
that the boys needed to spend some time together on the field to bond. The warm
ups started and finished with a single throw to PJ and the ‘Hall boys felt ready
for an afternoon of high standard, professional cricket. Just as Rob Love began
his run up, the game was halted to wait for a mysterious cyclist bombing it across
the outfield. Pecker!!! The boys shouted in glee as their most experienced man arrived.
It wasn’t long before all eleven men were on the field. The only difference in the
field setting saw A.Siddiqui having to share the fine leg/third man boundary with
an out of shape A.Wood.
The bowling started well with Rob Love and Andy Wood keeping
it tight but on a small ground and against the ageing Rast’s medium pace shockers,
the batsmen were bound to let loose sooner or later. And sooner it was as the ‘Hall
boys were forced to chase some leather, the sweet sound of bat hitting ball was
only drowned by the crunching sound coming from Andy Wood’s weakened knees.
The captain was forced to make a change and D.Boyd came
on to bowl. The introduction of pace from the car park (road) end seemed to work
as the openers looked troubled by the sudden increase in speed. Bouncers were dodged
and shots were played late. The Deighton openers were set to break!. Pecker came
on at the other end to replace an economical spell by R.Love and the breakthrough
was almost immediate. A vicious straight ball from the big man found its way past
the batsman’s defence and trapped him in front …… allegedly!. With Boydy looking
good at the other end another chance came to A.Siddiqui at the long on boundary.
It was almost in slow motion, the ball glided through the air as Sidd composed himself
to take the catch of season. The clouds suddenly separated to unveil the brightest
sun, its rays firing down at the speed of light into the eyes of the fielder…..then
it all went dark!...and silent!..the ball whistled followed by the slapping sound
of ball hitting belly. Moments later the light emerged on earth again as Sidd calmly
bent down to pick up the ball and pass it back to D.Boyd. “I just saved a six mate”
boasted the proud Asian sensation. The others were having none of it. The psychotic
looks on the player's faces were a give away as they bellowed racial slurs at their
Pakistani team mate, bottles were thrown and chunks of brick were sent his way.
The skipper banished him to deep square leg whilst cursing his countrymen with words
of evil.
The tide had turned for the worse and the opposition batsmen
belted the ‘Hall bowlers at will. The bowlers and fielders did fight back though
with some outstanding fielding from D.Bird, S.Wood and S.Fisher. J.Crooks took an
excellent catch on the boundary but the runs kept coming and Deighton ended on 210.
Can’t really say much about teas as I was sulking in the
changing rooms whilst the other overweight lard arses were greedily devouring the
masses of tea time snacks. The regular belching sounds coming from the direction
of Pecker and co suggested that they more than met the dietary requirements of the
‘Hall boys though.
Anyway, D.Boyd and M.Wood began the run chase with high
expectations after last weeks heroics. The expectations lasted a total of 10 minutes
as D.Boyd was harshly given out to make room for J.Crooks. Opper was first to set
the field alight with two screaming drives that pierced the field perfectly to find
the boundary. The third drive pierced nothing and found the fielder and Opper had
to depart as Rast came prancing to the crease. Both Rast and Jamie settled at the
crease quickly and started scoring runs freely. It was especially nice to see the
weakened frame of Jamie belt a six over the bowlers head. Jamie was next to go after
being bowled for a well earned 26. Birdy joined Rast and made an excellent effort
to run his already exhausted partner out. It would have been deserved as the last
time these two met; it was Birdy who had to do the walk of shame through no fault
of his own.
Rast kept playing his shots and soon passed 50 runs giving
‘Hall some hope of an unlikely victory. With Steve Fisher arriving on Birdy’s departure,
the runs were flowing but with Rast unable to walk or breathe, his attempt to clear
the 20 yard boundary failed and he gasped his way back to the pavilion. S.Fisher,
S.Wood, A.Siddiqui and R.Love all tried, sharing a number of sixes between them
and amongst falling wickets were able to bring the situation to 2 runs needed off
2 balls with only one wicket left. It was all there for the taking but comical confusion
between the batsmen saw R.Winn run out to give Deighton the win by one run. The
changing rooms were evacuated to make room for the Winny tantrum that set the tone
for the remainder of the evening. The highlight saw him yank viciously at his helmet
only to snap the string as he pulled it off. Not sure how he found the time in amongst
the tantrum!
Oh well, never mind boys. So we choked again. Let’s just
get drunk and forget all about it.
Sicklinghall CC Vs
Barwick CC
"Hall rise as Sidd takes the plunge"
Racial harassment was once again to the fore on Saturday
when an already
pre-nuptually nervous A Siddiqui was sent over the edge by the news that
he had to share the hallowed turf of the SCG with no less than THREE gentlemen of
Indian origin. The normally mild mannered Muslim flew into a rage on hearing that
Messrs Palanivel, Shetty and Monteiro would be joining the merry throng ….. and
in Palanivel’s case, sharing his soap and towel …. probably at the same time! Still,
that’s one way to make friends and break down boundaries.
Barwick were the visitors at the weekend in a game which
saw ‘Hall looking to stop the rot which had seen five home defeats on the trot –
the worst run since Sidd last took off for a quick single.
In an emotional hark back to the good old days, Rast arrived
to let everyone in, a full 20 minutes before the start, the Barwick boys certainly
not complaining that they had been denied the opportunity to stretch their hammys!
Like the ‘Hall boys they looked far more interested in the hammy sandwiches which
‘Opper was by now ferrying into the tea room in copious numbers.
The good for nothing skipper lost another toss and the
boys were forced to run around in sub tropical temperatures (just as well that half
our team is from that neck of the woods …….. and the rest ARE Woods – Boom Boom!).
Rob and Rast creaked into action first, bowling with pace and hostility, forgetting
that they had to do it all again 24 hours later. Both bowled well, as did Winny,
but it was Boydy defying his (mainly Pakistani) critics, who stole the show …. blasting
through the Barwick line up in front of the biggest crowd of the season (Barwick
2nds didn’t have a game) with 5 for 36. Pity it didn’t last till Sunday! …. but
that’s another story. Even the fielding was much improved, spurred on by Giddy-esque
sledging from a foaming Siddiqui on the boundary, hardly a Barwick player escaping
his vile wrath! Boydy’s inspired spell saw the opposition back in the tent with
fully 3 overs remaining, and the queue for ‘Opper’s “Summertime specials” was soon
out the door.
Following the teatime treats Boydy and ‘Opper struggled
to the wicket to face the opening salvos. With Nikhil taking the opportunity to
do some business on his porn chatline from the carpark, and with only Rast padded
up, ‘Hall really didn’t need to lose early wickets. But with ‘Opper and Boydy flaying
the ball to all parts it was never a problem and following a fine opening stand
(34 & 51), it was left to Rast and Nikhil to play a couple of cameos at the
end. The only negative was that Nikhil had forgotten to take off the black stockings
that his last caller had asked him to wear. Still it didn’t disturb the Asian Danny
LaRue (though it disturbed most others!) and he soon crashed the winning boundary,
which saw the boys hastily dashing to get in and out of the showers before he returned
to join them for some “team bonding”.
Sicklinghall
CC Vs Scarcroft CC
"Utterly Guttery"
In a major financial coup at the weekend, Sicklinghall
secured a lucrative 3 year sponsorship agreement that will take the club forward
over the coming seasons. The deal with the manufacturers of “I can’t believe it’s
not butter!” will guarantee the continuation of tasty dairy based spreads in the
‘Hall teas, while in return the players will be asked to smear their hands in the
creamy butter substitute for advertising purposes and in a final bid to improve
the team’s woeful catching! A last minute bid to rebrand as “I can’t believe we’re
not better” or “I can’t believe I’m a batter” were rejected as these names are already
patented by the England Cricket Team.
Saturday saw ‘Hall go down to leaders Scarcroft by 9 wickets,
in a game which saw statisticians hastily removing their shoes and socks in order
to accurately count the number of shelled chances. The omens never looked good from
the start when ‘Hall, waiting to greet their fellow Darby & Joan members from
Scarcroft, were met with a team of lithe 20 somethings, hell bent on following the
trendy new fad of warming up before the game, instead of swapping tales of acheing
limbs and expanding beer guts. What is happening to our way of life??!! I blame
Gordon Brown!
‘Hall did however manage their own weekly warm up …… plastering
their pathetic crumbling bones with lashings of Deep Heat.
‘The boys lost the toss and were put in, but with a score
of 103 all out there’s not much to say about the batting performance really. In
a bizarre twist the wicket moaned that
‘Opper was to blame for his dismissal, while Stevie the Fish was given an award
by “The Angling Times” for his efforts against Aston. With a slow scoring rate and
the crowd resorting to splashing in puddles to entertain themselves, Rob and George
knew that they had to do something good to win back the masses. They pulled it off
to perfection as they both ran a quick single to the same end, then both ran to
the other end, then both ran to separate ends where George just made his ground.
A relieved Rob was thinking “Jesus we nearly looked stupid there”, when the second
throw hurtled past his ambling carcass and ran him out by 2 yards. Truly a big fat
cherry on a magnificent comedy cake! Had Billy Connolly been at the ground he would
have picked up his coat and left .
This event together with the Pecker clan’s magnificent
Yorkshire
teatime fayre, cheered the boys right up and they were good to go 20 minutes later
…… following another round of Deep Heat.
What followed was a masterclass in sh*te fielding as fully
10 catches hit the dust, as ‘Hall made a mockery of StF’s call to arms. Last week
the Skip said we fielded “like a team of 40 year olds”. This week we were like a
team of 20 year olds …….. returning from a 3 day bender on booze and hallucinogenic
drugs. Being pissed can be the only possible excuse. Either that or we really ARE
just dogsh*t!
Scarcroft knocked the runs off for the loss of just one
wicket and the only bright spot came when A Siddiqui was unmuzzled and let loose
in a final over of rampaging hostility. Politics must not hold this man back any
longer!!
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